


Healing

by madswritings



Category: Constantine (TV)
Genre: Depression, F/M, Fluff, Insecurities
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2017-08-30
Packaged: 2018-12-21 17:57:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11949603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madswritings/pseuds/madswritings
Summary: You feel insecure about your appearance and you just wish John doesn’t see you when you feel like this. Of course John doesn’t know when people want to be left alone. | As per request on Tumblr





	Healing

There are days when you feel wonderful. Days when you feel safe, healthy and beautiful. Days when the world seems a better place, days when you seem to be better than you were yesterday, days when you think and feel nothing can go wrong. But today is not that day.  
John seems to have a tendency for gathering ‘lost puppies’ as you say. Many people in his life, past and present and probably future, are somehow broken, somehow touched by the dark side of life. Some have bigger problems than you, some have smaller. But it really doesn’t matter because you try not to compare yourself to others.  
You met John, the infamous John Constantine, one day at the park. You were feeling down so you went outside to see autumn colors. And you were feeling down because this girl, who you thought of as your friend, apparently wanted you to join some sort of a cult. She groomed you for almost a year, teaching you strange spells and hexes and magical potions you never believed to work in anywhere else but imagination. But your knowledge appeared to be the preparation for some dark witch cult and you didn’t want to have any part in that. It was sad to understand you’ve been used so you ended up in a park because for once you didn’t want to be completely alone.  
As you were sitting on a bench, with your feet under you and your tarot cards in front of you, you felt someone approach. You weren’t really trying to read your future, just spreading cards arounds because they had pretty pictures. Of course you learned how to read them, but you didn’t feel like doing it at that moment.  
“That’s some shitty luck, luv.” You heard behind you and when you tuned your head you saw him: blond hair, blue eyes, 5 o’clock shadow and a cigarette in the corner of his lips.  
“Excuse me?” You asked confused and he stood aside giving you a smile, obviously not ready to stay.  
“Also that’s some horrible combination right there.” He circled meaning the card spread in front of you and you, while blushing from anger and embarrassment, started gathering your cards.  
“It’s nothing serious.”  
“It can get serious if you are not serious, luv. Be careful, these things might come and bite you in the ass.” He gave you a wink and walked away behind him leaving only a smell of tobacco.  
You watched him walk and you probably would’ve never known who he was if not for the people who were sitting on the bench on the other side of the path and who recognized him.  
You got curious but tracking down John wasn’t easy. He was almost always busy with some sort of ‘mission’ and when you finally found him he told you he expected you to show up. That’s how he took you in, under his wing so to speak, to teach you right from wrong because your former friend taught you all kinds of things that, like John said, in a long run can only do harm.  
Since you’re quite unexperienced you stayed in the Mill House today as John and Chas went away. John got some sort of request to look into something. He was very vague while talking to you so you don’t know much more. But in the end it turned out to be okay because you don’t feel very energetic today anyway. You planned on going to the city, get some groceries and make it easier for Chas, but once you dressed up and looked in the mirror you quickly changed your mind.  
Feeling sad and ugly you changed your clothes into some sweatpants and a shirt and now you’re lying in your bed in case guys returned because you don’t want them to see you like this.  
It’s easy for guys, right? They don’t really have to care how they look. Most of the time they don’t care anyway and here you are, lying in your bed, hugging a pillow, because you feel like some hideous thing.  
What’s worst that there is something happening between you and John. Nothing serious for now, just glances, smiles and sometimes touches, but if he saw you right now, feeling miserable because of how you see yourself – he probably won’t be very impressed. Of course he knows you have depression but what he probably doesn’t know that this stupid chemical imbalance in your brain makes you feel horribly about most trivial things sometimes.  
At the same time you’re angry at yourself for feeling this way. So what if you’re imperfect? So what if you’re not the most beautiful woman in the world or the smartest or the bravest? Not everyone can be everything they wish to be. But these thoughts don’t help even a little bit. Maybe you’re not the best, but you want to be comfortable in your own skin and right now you feel far away from this goal as you can be.  
“Y/N! We’re home!” You hear John’s voice and you bury your face deep in the pillow.  
“Oh no…” You mutter feeling now even more miserable. Somehow it always gets worse when there’s a possibility of someone seeing you like this.  
“Y/N?” You hear him shouting for you again but you have neither desire nor energy to answer.  
You just want him to ignore your absence and stop looking for you until you’re ready to leave your room. But John is John and reading the room, as they say, is not one of his strong virtues.  
You hear a knock on your door and you flinch at this sound. God, make him go away, make him leave you alone for a little bit longer.  
“Y/N? Is everything okay? I saw your car outside so I know you’re in there.” John says and you hear hints of worry in his voice. It makes you feel even worse if that’s possible and tears start gathering in your eyes. Why you have to be like this?  
After a moment you raise your face from the pillow because you know that if you won’t answer John he will break down the door. You clear your throat so you don’t sound like you’re crying. Which you are.  
“I’m okay. Have a headache.” You lie. John doesn’t answer but you don’t hear him walking away either. “I’ll be okay.” You say but at the last word your voice breaks, tears emerge and you bury your face into the pillow again.  
The door opens and you try to control your sobs because on top of feeling ugly now you feel like you’re a burden to everyone.  
John walks to bed and sits on the edge.  
“What’s wrong?” He asks gently and you hear a sincere concern in his voice.  
“It’s okay. Feeling a bit down, that’s all.” You mutter into the pillow but unexpectedly you feel John pulling your pillow away from your face. “Please…” You whisper painfully but he doesn’t stop. Finally you let go and when pillow is gone from your grasp you look at John.  
“Tell me what’s really on your mind.” He encourages, takes your hand and pulls you up, to sit with him. You lower your head as you wipe your tears and shake your head. You sure as hell don’t want him to know just how insecure you feel at the moment. And on the top of that he’s now seeing you with red face and swollen eyes from crying. Not a pretty picture and this picture in your mind almost make you start sobbing again. The only reason you don’t because you know you would look even worse then.  
“Girl problems.” You finally mutter, looking at your knees, because your legs are under you.  
“Period?” John asks casually and you instantly look at him, shocked.  
“No!” You deny for some reason feeling shame.  
“Then what’s the matter?” John obviously wants you to say the truth and the truth is embarrassing.  
You look into his eyes, then sigh heavily. He won’t leave you alone if you won’t tell him.  
“I just feel… ugly.” You summarize and when you glance at John you see a shocked expression on his face. “What?” You ask now getting ashamed and angry that he doesn’t take this seriously. Yet on the other hand, who would.  
“I’m just surprised because you’re one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen.” He shrugs casually and now you are sure you’re blushing. This whole topic is embarrassing and you wish you could just disappear from the face of the earth instead of talking to John damn Constantine about your physical insecurities. But earth doesn’t open and doesn’t swallow you so you have to deal with this.  
“You’re lying.” You answer completely honestly. You are sure that being who he is, John has seen many people, at least half of those people were women, and you are sure that at least 70% of these women were more beautiful than you by a tenfold.  
“But I’m saying the truth.” He looks serious now. He seems like he finally understands that this is not just a cry for attention like most men would think, he sees that at least at the moment, your self-esteem is nonexistent.  
“Yeah, sure.” You mutter wiping away new tears from your face and John sighs.  
“Look at me.” He asks but you don’t want to show your crying face in its full ‘glory’ to him. “Can you please look at me?” John repeats and you finally raise your eyes to him. “Why do you think I stopped back then, in the park?”  
“Because I had tarot cards and occult is kinda your thing?” You respond with a question and John smiles.  
“True, but also because you took my breath away. I wanted to impress you but I have to say, I’m terrible at reading tarot.” He admits and it surprises you.  
“How come?” You ask quite shocked and John shrugs.  
“Just not my thing I guess. So you see, you are beautiful. And if everyone else thinks otherwise – screw them, you’re beautiful to me.” He gives you another smile and you feel his hand landing on yours. Wave of warmth runs through your body and you turn to face him.  
“But-“  
“No, there are no but’s, no other reasons, no excuses. I’m serious. Now please stop crying. You look beautiful, but you look more beautiful when you smile.” He whispers like a secret and you start blushing again, yet this time not from embarrassment or anger.  
With free hand you wipe last of your tears from your face and straighten your back.  
“I look beautiful even like this?” You ask jokingly but John eyes you whole and nods.  
“I like it when you look comfortable.” His fingers start moving and you don’t understand what’s happening at first but when you intertwine your fingers with his. John’s acting like this isn’t happening but your heart in your chest is jumping.  
“T-thank you.” You whisper and finally smile. Just as you do John starts leaning towards you.  
“That’s what I wanted to see the most.” He whispers too, just before his lips press against yours.  
Maybe you’re not the most beautiful woman in the world, but you’re completely okay with being the most beautiful girl to John Constantine. 

**Author's Note:**

> Want me to write a fic for you? Check my tumblr @madswritings.tumblr.com for current fic status and rules.


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